Friday, 14 October 2011

For the good of all womankind....

... please pass this on to all your male friends, relatives and lovers...and gosh, even your male colleagues, the pizza delivery boy, and the milkman!

1000 Things Men Don't Know About Women

The following are just a few of my favourites (and believe me, it was really difficult to narrow them down):
#9: Cook for us and you'll get laid at the end of the evening. Clean up the mess you made cooking and you'll get better sex than when you turned off the television in the middle of an "important" game.
#16: Men absolutely get better with age - especially when you feel the same about us.
#20: Putting your hand on the small of a woman's back is as potent and powerful as buying her two drinks. Just so long as you know the girl. Otherwise it's just weird. (See also #114)
#23 We want you to never stop hunting us. Even if we married you. Remember why you got the gig. Don't make the trailer the only fun in the whole production. That's misleading.
#48: When we say that nothing is wrong, we mean that you should know what is wrong without us having to tell you.
#69: When you play with my hair, you're actually making love to me. Did you know that?
#95: The way we feel about your kisses on the back of our necks: Think ice cream in August.
#112: We secretly wonder whether or not you will be a help or a hindrance when the zombie uprising happens, because it's totally going to happen.
#114: Escorting us into a room with your hand at the small of our back makes us smile.
#129: When we walk into a room we notice which women you'd sleep with before you do.
#131: With all due respect to Jane Krakowski, there are plenty of women who have not only seen Battlestar Galactica but will be willing to throw down and debate the merits of the series finale with you. (In my case; Doctor Who, Farscape, and Star Trek!)
#143: Holding hands is your go-to move. If you're shy about making a move, if we're scared, if we're fighting - it's like your non-sexual get-out-of-jail-free card.
#173: You cannot imagine the amount of stuff we have to do to look this good.It's like a second job. It's much more than waxing and manicures. It's really weird stuff that would completely freak you out. Don't try to understand it. Just appreciate our effort.
#175: We think dirty texting is underestimated. It has the benefits of phone sex without the awkwardness of co-workers or classmates overhearing what we plan to do to you when we get home.
#191: We dig on your hot friends. They make you look hotter. We want to flirt with them. We want them to want us. We won't actually do anything with them. But they are an unquestionable asset of yours.
#194: Wear 100 percent cashmere sweaters. We can't help but touch you.
#206: Push us against elevator walls. Don't make us do it every time.
#231: Where do we put on perfume? Where we wish to be kissed.
#246: Don't admit to owning an Ani DiFranco album, unless you got it in college to help you get girls. (Amato mio - are you reading this?!)
#251: Women want sex, too. Probably as much as you. But we're ladies. And we do get headaches.
#269: We think you look sexiest when you don't realize we're watching you.
#292: Sometimes we just wear nice clothes and makeup for no other reason than to look good.
#318: We want to see you cry every once in a while-it makes you human. To find out how often is acceptable, divide the number of cries by the number of no-holds-barred, screaming orgasms you've given us. If the quotient is greater than 0.25, you're a whiny bitch.
#321: When I say, "that feels good," it doesn't mean go faster and harder. It means to keep doing that.
#323: We suck in our stomach every time you see us naked.
#325: We love the unexpected kiss. Especially the one when you stop us midsentence and make us forget what the hell we were talking about in the first place.
#334: As little girls, we believe that you are gods. As young women, we learn that you are not. As older women, we try to put you back up there.
#355: Everything sounds better when whispered close to our ear.
#374: We don't all like chick flicks.
#393: We need you to be meticulous in your grooming so your beard and neck aren't creating a follicular Pangea. Otherwise, don't be upset when we plant dinosaur toys in your beard when you sleep.
#396: We like it when you lend your favorite books to us. For several reasons.
#399: Nothing is quite as comforting as a big, man hug. Safe, warm, firm, but yielding.
#400: Pay attention to the sides. The sides of her face. The sides of her breasts. The sides of her torso. The sides of her hips. The sides of her thighs. A woman's body is not a set of three or four important dots connected by unimportant skin.
#421: Sometimes, when we're not sure about you, we look at your shoes to decide whether or not to sleep with you. Just good to keep in mind.
#447: Sometimes, we just want to make out on the couch like we're back in high school. That includes your hands wandering and everything.
#452: Snuggling can fix just about anything.
#466: As women get older, our libido increases. Please take advantage of this.
#495: We think every time you watch porn - without us - a unicorn dies. Which is why they're extinct.
#532: We were checking her out, too.
#551: Every single grooming habit we have, we truly hate. No one likes having to regularly shave, straighten their hair daily, or keep up with painted nails. But we do it, because we know it makes you feel good to have a good-looking woman with you.
#567: You think lesbians are hot; we think gay guys are willing to shop, clean up after themselves, and keep up on gossip. You have your fantasies; we have ours.
#569: Sometimes a cuddle just means a cuddle.
#579: Never underestimate the power of your hands.
#604: If we offer you gum, it means we want to kiss you later. It's not an insult; just take the gum.
#621: We know when our male friends have a crush on us. We just pretend we don't so that you'll fix things and take us places without us having to sleep with you. And we're sorry.
#625: Seeing you in a suit never fails to impress us.
#659: Know how to go to a nice restaurant and dine. Eating and talking together is phenomenal foreplay.
#669: We have a thing for nerds. (See also #713 & #743)
#671: Please do not ever, ever let us see you naked if you are still wearing your socks. 
#678: We're sorry that we sometimes forget to label e-mails NSFW. But honestly, every now and then we do it on purpose.
#685: Jewelry? I'd prefer a vibrator as a gift, thank you very much.
#699: We say we love scary movies so we can cuddle up to you.
#702: Sometimes we pretend that we don't know how to do something, just because you look so cute trying to figure it out.
#713: Glasses are to women what lingerie is to men. That's right: Bookish is that sexy.
#725: You have the power to make us feel like the only girl in the room. Use it wisely (and often).
#742: When we are in a large crowd, hold our hand as if you don't want to lose us.
#743: We are all secretly in love with Jeff Goldblum.
#746: You know that body hair you're self-conscious about? We love it. It's the hairless ones that should worry.
#769: Women need details. We know you don't like to give them, but we want them anyway. Without details, our brains go off on tangents. We tend to over-think, and if you don't fill in the blanks, we'll fill them in ourselves.
#775: You know that we sometimes don't say what we mean. But if you go by body language, it's easy.
#776: At the end of a first date, gaze warmly into our eyes, but refrain from too much chatter. We actually relish those awkward, silent moments just before you finally kiss us.
#782: We're into talking dirty.
#795: Sometimes, foreplay is overrated. Once in a while, thrust us against a wall when we walk in the door.
#805: A hug followed by eye contact followed by pushing our hair behind our ear followed by a soft kiss takes less than twenty seconds and says far more than a verbal apology.
#813: Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're going to suddenly turn blind to other women - that's unnatural and just plain weird. But please, do it more discreetly than you already think you are. Learn from us. We do it without being detected.
#856: We are never begging for attention. It just comes with the outfit.
#857: We like it when you take your fashion advice, but not your fidelity advice, from Don Draper.
#867: We think at least two of your friends are hot.
#878: Our fantasy is better than yours. No really, it is. We are just too lady-like to say.
#881: If a girl wears a sexy outfit and then invites you back to her place (or goes to yours), that's your invitation to make a move. It doesn't necessarily mean she will sleep with you, but it does mean she has already considered it. And she probably shaved her legs that day.
#915: We rarely ask a question we don't already know the answer to. So, we know you don't think she's hotter than us, or we wouldn't ask.
#955: We always want dessert. We always want you to order dessert. What we never want is for you to ask us if we want dessert. It's redundant.
#956: Subtle gestures like walking behind us through a crowded room and walking in front of us down the stairs make us feel loved.
#958: When we see you, we immediately think about what you'll look like with your shirt off. We’re just too timid to say it.
#964: Sometimes we want to be treated like a princess. Sometimes, we want to be treated like a sex object. It's up to you to figure out which of these we want to be at any given moment, because we certainly aren't going to tell you.
#971: Educated, smart women want to hear how beautiful they are, and beautiful women want to hear how smart they are. Never compliment a smart woman for being smart - she already knows.
#981: If we offer to make you dinner and the recipe calls for a food processor, immersion blender, or other obscure kitchen appliance, it means we like you. Tell us the meal is delicious, and you're in.
~~~
....and some which I really think should have been included!
  1. We know which perfume suits us - we don't need you to buy us something which will make us smell like your mother. Or worse, your ex.
  2. Even if we are platonic friends with you, we want you to fancy us; it doesn't mean we actually want sleep with you - it just means that you've noticed that we're not one of the boys.
  3. Actually, sometimes we really do want to have sex with you....just the once to get it out of our system.
  4. When we make eye contact with you across a room, and then look downwards - if we are smiling, this is an invitation to come and speak to us. Please take note.
  5. Sometimes the merest 'accidental' brushing of hands, or touching of thighs when sitting next to you is enough to send shivers right through us. Because we are ladies, we never communicate this to you... but we will replay it over and over in our minds... sometimes for months.
  6. When you buy us clothes or lingerie, you think, "I'd love to see her in this. She will love this. This will make her feel even more hot than she already is. We'll have even better sex." We think; "He hates the way I dress. He thinks my underwear is frumpy. He thinks women who wear this kind of stuff are hotter than I am. Oh dear gods, next it will be the Princess Leia bikini. Run away now."
  7. Being amused by the kitschness of leopard print heels does not mean we would love some leopard print underwear.
  8. There is nothing sexy about getting a rash after having a pashy with someone who hasn't shaved. Leave the five o'clock shadow to the guys we're never going to snog.
  9. Please do not ever wear socks with sandals.
  10. Please try to understand underwires - this will greatly lessen the disappointment that when unwrapped, we are not as perky as pornstars.

2 comments:

Little Me said...

Love this! I particularly like your point number one.

And the one about the small of the back. When my then future husband briefly touched the small of my back as we left a restaurant as part of a group we weren't even considering going out together. 6 years later I still think about it and shiver. Wonderful moment, and a real turning point. It was that second I decided I wanted more :)

Nicôle said...

Hello Little Me - lovely to see you over here! :-)

Unfortunately I speak from experience regarding perfume; when I was 14, my boyfriend bought me a bottle of 'Tweed' for Christmas. I really didn't have to heart to tell him that even my grandmother said she wouldn't wear it...especially not when he told me it was his mother's favourite!

Years later, when I was married (not to him!), my (now ex-)husband declared that I should wear 'Poison' because "...it's lovely". I pointed out that in my opinion, it smelled like a litter tray, and besides, it made me nauseous and gave me instant headaches.

"Shame," said he, "My last girlfriend loved it."

>cry<

Amato mio was told in no uncertain terms, right at the start, that he is never to buy me perfume or clothes! He did break this rule once but only because I'd run out of Coco Mademoiselle, and wanted to replace it. I forgave him! He says he wouldn't dare buy me clothes however!

Oh yes, the small of the back....mmmm! Funny how some men have no idea of the effect they have upon us with even the slightest or simplest of things!